it's been a long time

When was the last time I posted on this blog? Probably a few years ago. Mấy ngày này trên Instagram đang có trend up ảnh mình năm 21 tuổi, và thế là tôi bỗng cảm thấy muốn tìm lại ảnh mình năm 21. Cũng không tìm được mấy bức ảnh trên Facebook, vậy là nghĩ tới vào chiếc blog này coi sao. Thực tình thì cũng chẳng có bức ảnh chân dung nào ngày đó, chỉ toàn chữ là chữ và mấy bài nhạc được share lại. Thời ấy viết cũng chẳng gọi là nhiều nhưng chắc cũng không thể coi là ít. Dù gì, cũng đã từng viết trăm vạn thứ trên đời, truyện ngắn, truyện dài và không đếm xuể những thứ vu vơ chữ nghĩa vơ vẩn. Chỉ là bỗng nhiên cũng cảm thấy nhớ con chữ một chút. Đã lâu rồi không viết và lại càng lâu nữa rồi không gửi đôi ba dòng tâm sự lên chiếc blog này. 

Có một dạo, mình còn hay thả chút nỗi niềm, tâm tư vào đây nhưng chỉ để trong kho drafts, giữ đó thôi, cũng chẳng phơi ra mà cũng chẳng buồn đọc lại. Thực ra, thế lại là đúng với mục đích của cái sự viết, ít nhất là cái sự viết đối với mình vào những thời điểm đó. Viết ra vốn dĩ cũng chỉ là để được trải lòng, được xẻ, được bóc tách những tầng tầng lớp lớp hỗn độn trong tâm trí mình. Thế thôi vốn dĩ là đã rất đủ rồi. Không phải cứ viết ra là sẽ trải ra được hết. Cũng không phải cứ tuôn ra mà kể lể là nỗi lòng mình sẽ hoá thành thảnh thơi lạ thường ngay tức lị. Chỉ là, sẽ đỡ, sẽ nguôi ngoai nếu buồn phiền khó tả, mà cũng sẽ ấm áp, nhẹ nhàng khi lòng đang nặng trịu. Vậy là ổn rồi, là ổn hơn rồi. 

Nói tới viết, lại nghĩ tới đọc. Năm qua cũng có thể coi là một năm đầy đặn cho sự đọc đối với mình mà nói. Mình đọc nhiều và vui nhiều với những sự đọc đó. Có những cuốn mang mình tới với những vũ trụ như thể vô tưởng vậy nhưng lại rất gần với những trải nghiệm trong mơ hồ của mình của ngày nào đó trước đây. Là những trống không vô tận mà mình tưởng như mình quên mình là ai, mình là gì. Hay có khi nào, bản chất chính là đây, là sự vô cực mà cũng vô nghĩa này? Rồi lại có cuốn tự truyện về cả một gia đình, những người phụ nữ từ 3 thế hệ khác nhau, những câu chuyện của họ mang dáng dấp lịch sử của cả một đất nước, một giai đoạn của cả thế giới và cả những nỗi khổ hạnh và rồi lại hạnh phúc và sự lặp đi lặp lại đó của bao nhiêu kiếp người. Cuộc đời có lẽ vốn dĩ phải là như thế, phải không nhỉ? 

Những ngày tới, có lẽ mình lại muốn được đọc nhiều thêm. Đọc nhiều thêm những chữ nghĩa mẹ đẻ, những âm Việt ngữ khi vang lên trong tâm khảm mình sao mà đẹp đến thế, đôi lúc có sự lịch lãm, chỉn chu, lúc lại phóng khoáng, cởi mở rộng lớn vô vàn. Mỗi con chữ lại có thể vẽ ra vô vàn những cảm xúc và mường tượng thật khác nhau. Nếu được thì sẽ đọc cả những con chữ tiếng Trung, một cách trọn vẹn hơn và đủ đầy hơn. Nhưng thơ và những dòng văn của thời này và cả của thời xưa. Và rồi nếu được, lại đọc thêm những con chữ của những nền văn hoá khác, để cảm thấy lòng mình như mở hơn. À ừ thì chữ cũng chỉ là chữ, ngôn ngữ vốn dĩ cũng chỉ để kết nối con người với nhau, phải chăng chính những ngôn ngữ khác nhau lại chia rẽ chúng ta. Thế nhưng, chữ thì cũng đã có rồi, tiếng nói cũng đã hình thành và trở nên hàng triệu những ngôn ngữ đắc sắc, không đồng nhất. Vậy thì há cớ gì mà mình không thử học nó và đọc nó và hiểu nó? Dù không cảm nhận được hết những sự sâu sắc ấy, nhưng nếu đã yêu thích, vậy cũng chẳng có lý do gì để không thử. Cuộc đời là những chuyến đi, là những trải nghiệm. Nếu có thể vui, có thể mơ màng say đắm yêu thương một thứ gì đó và một ai đó và nhiều nhiều hơn nữa, cuộc đời vậy đã đủ tuyệt đẹp lắm rồi. Mình chỉ muốn nói, cuộc đời này với mình rất đủ đầy, chỉ muốn cảm tạ cuộc sống đã thương yêu mình nhiều tới vậy. 

hi, it's been a while

The chance is that no one would be reading this blog anymore. I don't think I've purposely shared this blog with many people. But that's sort of what I wanted. It's been a long time since anything was ever published on this blog. Most of the recent writings stay in drafts and it's ok. It's what it was meant to be. 

It's the first day of the lunar new year, and I feel like writing something. Anything, really. Just jotting something down. Empty my mind for a second or two, that would be great. Scattered brain, maybe we all experience that these days. With all these social media platforms, new products and technology, it's almost unlimited what our wants would be. Maybe that's why our new dream is now slowly turning into the whole idea of being slower. Ironic much? 

I guess not. It's how the world works. It's time for the whole detox thing. We want more. And now, we want less. Or to be exact, we want ourselves to want less. And that's tricky, right? Or maybe, it's plain simple. All you have to do is just, stop. Stop wanting more. Stop trying so hard. Stop forcing things to be. You know how annoying it could be when someone trying to give a person with depression any surface level of advice, things like 'don't be sad'. But when I think about it, it could be it. Of course, there are several things not going the way we hope they would, both internal and external factors and especially if you have some form of mental illness––even the mildest version––it's hard to just jump out of your own mind and say 'you know what, I choose peace today and peace only'. But maybe, that's what it takes to get out of it. To get out of the mind. To get out of suffering. It could probably be the same thing, mind and suffering, that we're talking about. 

So yes, it's a new year. Let's take it as a sign to jump. That could mean anything. For each of us, that could be something entirely different. What would be for me? I'd like to create more. To express. To share. To give. Be it writing or painting. Or whatever else I couldn't imagine yet. Let's take one day at a time. Live and love and give. Breathe in and out. Slowly and gently. You owe this body that much. How I see it is that I'm only here for while, borrowing these cells in this physical body that makes life possible, borrowing this atmosphere, the air, the sun and moon, the stars and the earth, the soil and the food, borrowing all the precious love from family and friends, borrowing so much kindness from the world, borrowing the beauty of nature and dreams and emotions, the nothing and everything...I'd like to live a life full of gratefulness and knowing that is more than enough. 

Happy new year to us all. May peace be with you. 

'sau này, nếu buồn thì cứ khóc lên

nếu giận thì cứ nói ra 

đừng giữ trong lòng một mình

thật sự đáng thương lắm'

...

một ngày nào đó của rất nhiều năm trước đã viết ra những dòng này. có lẽ là để tự vỗ về đứa trẻ buồn bã bên trong bản thân mình. và cũng là để dành cho những kẻ mang danh người lớn (hay kể cả bạn nhỏ) cứ tự bắt mình phải mạnh mẽ lắm, cứ phải gồng gánh mọi thứ lên vai, một mình lũi cũi. thôi thì, nhắc nhở để cho nhau nhớ, trĩu lòng thì cứ nói ra, nước mắt đầy rồi thì cho vợi bớt đi. chia sẻ được với ai thì chia, tới đâu thì tới. còn phần nào không thể thì chí ít cũng phải thật lòng bày ra với bản thân, rồi khóc một trận thoả thích, lấy bàn tay ấm vuốt vuốt lên cái đầu khe khẽ, tự nhủ rằng 'nghĩ ngơi một chút thôi...một chút thôi được rồi'. thế nhé, ngày mai trời lại sáng (í mà). 

poem n.

I always dream of that infinite blue skyline
with creamy clouds spreading all over it
like pieces of cotton candy slime flowing
in a river full of crystal clear blue gems.
One day, I would lie down on the sand or
underneath the shade of a big green tree
and there it is, that gorgeous blue sky and
those chubby fluffy clouds lazily floating
just for me to see and to smile about.
I know that one day, I would leave
not only this place but any others
It's terrifying thinking of the word
'forever'...well, there's no such thing.
This life, this body, this stream of thoughts
and feelings are all temporary. But even so,
temporary should have meanings,
don't you think? Not the kind of meanings
that everyone tries to plan into your head,
but the ones that actually means things
to you, the ones that you long for and belong to.
In my case, it probably is, to leave.
I think, that's where I belong to: leaving
- for many batches of new fresh air,
for several foreign pieces of land,
for expensive or pure dreamy night skies,
for quiet rivers that whisper jazz and colors
but anything, anything, but to leave,
that's what I'm craving for. And if you ask,
no it's not just about travelling but
to slow down and have a life in
A, B, C and Z, to taste it in the way
you dream to taste it, and to not ever
forgetting what you truly want or worse,
moulding yourself into this 'template'
that the society has given you. Oh well,
that was just a reminder to myself of
what my wild dream is about. So,
what is your dream?

Jatzi phiêu lưu kí

1. So my flu came back this week and said: 'hey I'm back and I'm gonna screw you big this time'. Went to the doctor, already the second time, he looked at me and went aiyoo. Last time, he wanted to give me antibiotics but I was like, no no no you're not gonna kill me with that shit, my immune system already sucks and I'm so done with all types of antibiotics. So he was like, ok well if you insist not wanting it and gave me basic med for cough and flu. Got back this time, looking miserable than ever, and he was all like, I TOLD YOU with almost a winning face hahaha. I was having a fever but almost laughing out loud. So of course, this time I had to take antibiotics. Got home, took med, mild allergy to med, went back to doctor. He looked at me as if he was so done seeing my face in these two weeks. He told me just not to go to work, finish the med, side effects will be gone, asked me if I need more MC to finish the med (he already gave me two before that). Realized this doctor is cute!

2. So I was sick and stayed home while feeling guilty for not doing enough work. Still tried to do as much as I could from home but wanted to do so much more. My colleague sent me messages almost every few hours, checking on me, asked if I need someone to bring me food (since I'm here alone). I was so touched, I almost cried. Came back to work the first day, boss looked at me and like, go home. Obviously I looked so dead to him. As I was going home after done with a few things in the office, thinking how much an angel my boss is, I got his email and then text listing things that needed to be done that afternoon. Realized, he told me to go home, did not say I could rest! Aww, yeah my boss is 'cute' too!

3. The other day, one of my colleague at the store (yeah we have stores but I work in office so rarely have chance to interact or work much with store staffs) sent me message asked if I was going to store that day. Turned out she had something for me from her trip to Thailand. I was like, aww how sweet she is omg I'm touched! Got to see her this Friday, she passed me a few handkerchief and said she thinks I would use one. And I was like, aww these handkerchiefs are so cute. But inside I questioned what makes her think that I would use a handkerchief like ever...I'm pretty much a mess, barely carried tissues with me. Oh well but doesn't matter, I love cute gifts, always. And the fact she thought of me makes me melted already.

4. Back from work yesterday, felt totally exhausted and just craving home and hot tea and watching comedy. Supposed to go to this BBQ dinner with my flatmates in town but purposely went home instead. Too bad, got home and right at the moment my flatmates were about to go. So yeah had to go along. Already regretted on the way there and thought how I could even eat. Turned out pffft I totally underestimated myself. I ate like a pig. Not very classy but yeah I love meat, not gonna lie. And it's fixed price, come one if you already had to pay that much, you shall just eat until your tummy is ultimately happy and in sync with Mika ok!

5. Finally got my first haircut since arriving here. Yay! An auntie cut my hair. She looks really cute and sweet and elegant. And she was telling me how cute I looked, kept asking me where I'm from, where I work, what I do, boyfriend or not and all that. It was so cute though. So she asked how I wanted my hair to be, I kept asking her to trim a bit more and a bit more. She was almost afraid that it'd be too short. But I told her just trim more, shorter ok auntie. The last time I was upset because of my hairstyle was back in 2009. After that, I realized well hair grows back anyways. Doesn't matter if it sucks for just a while. Sooner or later, it will be back. After I got my haircut, I told her, you funny like this, everyone must like you one! She gave me such big smile (wish she could have given me discount, would be even better haha)

6. Went to IKEA today with the mission to get a desk lamp! Yeah right I did found out that there are several lighting stores around my house but still decided to wait for a whole week to go all the way to IKEA to get a freaking lamp. Because it's just how determined I am (especially with this kind of small stuff, interestingly). So I was lost in there because IKEA is heaven we all know that, right?! The first thing I picked up was this very cute stuffed cloud! I swear it was looking at me with such mellow eyes. I died right there. I just had to bring it home. And as I was thinking if I should take another one with rounder form (the same shape of course) but I looked at it one more time, and I'm like no no no I'm bringing this guy home. You were the first one that caught my eyes, I won't leave you alone! That's how loyal I am (even to a stuffed toy). No joke. But again you know that feeling, when you see something or someone and you just know you belong to each other? Yeah it was that kind of feeling (same with chicken).

7. Then I finally proceeded to find my destined desk lamp, only to realize how freaking heavy a desk lamp can be!! Like seriously guys, how heavy are those kids! Soooo since it's already so heavy, we should just get something even heavier right?! Because it's the only thing that makes so much sense?? Yeah anyways, so somehow I decided to just go big and get a freaking FLOOR lamp instead! Nice one, Jazzy. Nice one. And of course, talking about IKEA, how dare one forget about meatballs, right? Let me tell you first, the queue was ridiculous. Never in my life up til this point, have I ever seen such a long queue at IKEA foodcourt. But I made it! I made my way to get the chicken meatballs instead of the original one, only because chicken meatballs come with 10 while the original comes with 15 the minimum and I hate wasting food. But for one of those rare moments, I was disappointed at chicken. I mean, I've always been so serious about chicken, how could it let me down big time like this?! But it did...anyways, it wasn't its fault much, I already forgive it. I still love you. So it's ok.

8. So I was trying to go home after a long day. Phone was out of battery. But I was confident that I already searched the way to get back so I should be fine. Turned out that I did not only get off the wrong bus stop, got lost on the way to change the bus, but also somehow managed to dozed off on the bus! Opened my eyes, looked outside it was pretty dark, couldn't tell where I was but soon realized I was already on the way to Changi Airport! Yay hahaha like seriously for real guys. At that very moment, I wasn't even freaked out at all but laughing inside. Like legit HAHAHA! Thinking my life is pretty much laughing stock! The only thing I regretted a bit is that I didn't just go to the airport and just to unwind (even more) already. But to be fair, it was 10pm and with that huge IKEA bag full of fragile items, I don't think it was the smartest thing to do. Especially, thinking I could just get home, drink my teh and do some fun lego with my new FLOOR lamp!

9. So when I was at IKEA and saw all this Christmas decoration, I realized how much I like Christmas and this festive season! This thought suddenly came to my head: I can't wait to meet someone right and start building our IKEA home. Funnily enough, I have that part of me too.

(to be continued)